You have lost yourself, Noah. You gave yourself away.
There is no place like home. Where ever you go, you arrange.
Because there is no place where you can’t fit into. Because you have no form. Because you have lost yourself.
Who do you want to be? Who are you, Noah?
Where did you go? Why did you not stay?
To be clear. To not only be, but be somebody! Where are you, Noah?
I suppose it’s fine.
I suppose it’s fine to say that.
At the moment I am thinking of the things that I have, and the things that I don’t have. With things not meaning materialistic things but rather …things. You know.
It is easy to see what the people around you have, what they do. What they become. Looking around me I see people doing their studies. I see people working. 40 hours a week. I see people working even more and some that work less. I see them going to places, I see them coming back from places. I see them enjoying and I see then talking about enjoying it. I see people getting old and I see other peoples children grow up. I see the children and how they play. How much they don’t concern their surroundings. I see people in fear. Or rather talking about being afraid. Of the unknown, of the economy, of war and of loss. In fear for a future they want to have. I see my friends and family making plans. Deciding. To get a car, to have a flat, to climb a mountain and to bathe in the sun on their free weekend.
I envy all of them. Most of the time I don’t know why.
It is also easy to see the things I don’t have. To see me failing at aquiring the things that I desire. I fail at getting a degree. I fail at getting a job that keeps me from looking for a job. I don’t feel love towards any person in a way I romaticise about. I miss the feeling of having built my own shack, my house, my garden and my water supplies. I miss the morning sun at 6am tickling my nose as I read that superb book that will give me so many thoughts, about life, the universe and everything. The moment when a bird sits chirping next to my window while I manage to enjoy not doing anything. I miss the moments where I don’t want to smoke. The moments where my brain doesn’t scream for information to be put into my head through eyes and ears. I can not recall many moments in my life where I didn’t feel the urge to check my computer for news, social interaction via your desired platform or the mixture of watching a useless movie whilst checking the strangest connections on Wikipedia. I miss peace in my life and satisfaction with my close environment.
And I know that I lack the knowledge of the things that I have.
Just thinking of the places that I have been at this year already, the people I got to know, the adventures I rode through – its amazing. Thinking back of the “old times” when I was on the road in Spain, hey it’s not even a year ago. I have travelled countless places in the last three years. I managed to do peaks in my amateur sports career. I survived through hard times, smiling. I cried with all my heart watching a theater in a language that I didn’t even speak because I was able to release all emotions. I sat smiling in many places watching people go by, showing off their struggle. I enjoyed myself from the morning to the evening with free time very aware of the fact that the bigger percentage of my reality is at work at the moment wishing to have some free time.
I see, I know what I have. But where is that satisfaction that I am craving for?
To live with the (of course “quasi”) freedom of choice, to go where I want, to do what I want, not to be bound to anything rests as a heavy package on my shoulders. I don’t have a system that I run from, I don’t have a pressure that I want to escape. No job ties me to a place and nothing but the fainting boundaries to my family and close friends keep me from throwing everything and head out into the wild. Into the wild world to find out what I am looking for, although I know that there is no such thing like that. Because I am not looking for anything. I have no quest to fullfill, no goal. Just keep on being alive. Is that all that’s to it?
With this in mind I am standing on my personal ridge.
On one side I see all the things that I have and do that others long for although they don’t satisfy me anymore, I had too much of all of that. And on the other side I see the things that others have and do that I don’t want to do because I taught myself that their way of life sucks. And the image of the ridge fits even better if I look behind and ahead of me. I have no idea where it might be going.
Climbing up to another peak?
Riding down another slope?
Swimming through another lake?
Experience another extasy?
Didn’t I do all that already?
Where did you go? Why did you not stay?
I remember myself without all of those thoughts in mind many years ago. I had not the slightest glimpse of the times that were coming and I didn’t even give the smalles shit! How come that all changed?
Where are you, Noah?