There is a place that has no space and doesn’t rest on shoulders.
It’s in my head and I’m afraid it’s somewhere behind all the dusty folders.
The folder covered shelf that I see in myself surrounding something else
is heavy and its dark, similar to bark and only when you rip it apart
you are able to see what it means “to be”,
it’s where you find, like in the core of a tree,
answers to the questions about your mental health.

I learned an interesting lesson.

Thinking about myself brought me to a point of reflection. Speaking metaphorical it must have been several reflections within the mirrors that I had set up to see – or look for – myself, that, of course by chance, gave me a little insight into the “core” of myself. It is not a round shaped, small core. It is more like the wave that lies under all the present thoughts, under the noise of water-like memories that float through my brain-ocean.

I can say for sure that I disliked what I saw there. But it’s not about the content, why I am writing now. I want to say something about the method.
I suppose it is safe to say that we all have little pockets inside of ourselfs where we hide dirty parts of our personality. The society that we live in forbids you a lot of things that your subconscious mind wants to do,  also our society wants you to do things that your subconscious mind forbids you to do. It’s those corners where we do not want to look at. We know they are there. At least I know I have them. And for me it was time to take a little closer look. Because the “things” in those corners accumulated, they grew bigger. They started to block my smooth self-accepted Wifi signal. The wave of the background, the core. They were in it.

And I hate to have a bad reception. This time it was killing a lot of processes inside of me and several of those that were connecting me to the “otherworld”, the outside of my brain. You.

Now what happened?

Inside, inside, deep down inside
hiding, shady, gliding aside
a creature rests, terribly starving
needs more and more and more and more and more.
Outside, outside, is where it is heading
for food and water and comfy bedding,
It will get out in the end no matter what you do
but yours is the decision on how it gets through.
For the sake of us all I ask you to pet it
and I promise you this: you will not regret it.

In those moments of thinking and reflecting I figured: “Hey! You have to do something. Now!” and I started to work on a way to deal with the parts of myself that I don’t like [1]. The more ideological thinking I was the harder it was for me to even see those parts in me, not even talking about the impossibility to deal with it. It is good that the hammer of the godess of chance flew by and smashed several ideological concepts inside me.

And then the reflection within the mirror maze turned up, it was the escape of the trapped creature, the one luring in the shadow. And I gave it the parts of the broken ideologies to eat and I gave it a lot of alcohol to drink and bedded it beside my feet. I accepted it as a part of myself.

Now, it is time to tame it. And to educate it. I have a new quest, a task. It is time to deal with shit.

Stillstand bringt den Zinns


[1] I figured that since I have wraped myself into ideologies over the past years I had an even harder time to get this straight. An Example: I blame myself for being very sexist. At the moment I do not feel sorry for that. It is just there and I have to learn how to deal with it. I believe it is because I was always dealing with the subject like “All men are sexist” and “I am no man”. Because when I figured that I am male, and that I have to fucking deal with that, I realized that I had conditioned myself to be sexist. Please do not make a mistake like that. – Any critique or correction of logic is appreciated in the comment section.

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