For some time now I was shoveling dirt off my inside to find the core to my motivations. I piled up quite a mountain, I could build myself a hobbit house inside, but what I was looking for was in another place. Working on my personality had revealed things that I had imagined before I found them but was never sure about them.
Now since the world is turning, time is passing and I am changing it also happens that chance put me in the right place at the right time to get to know a very specific person that opened parts in my inside on which my shovel had always been bursting before. When I was digging there it always seamed as if I was at the core, as if I had found it, but in fact I was just unable to get deeper. The person I met just had to put a hand on my cheek and the diamond like structure inside myself unfolded by the sheer power of me melting away.
Since there are many parts connected, the revelation happened in several steps, I will try to approach each of them and conclude about them later.
- Basic part of the situation was me dealing with myself. In the recent sessions of talking to my self I always had this idea of “fuck it I’m egoist and that’s fine”. Doing whatever I do for my own good feeling even if it was supporting others, fulfilling my desires to be happy and to not be grumpy whilst changing the world and the people around me. Any reasoning on “Why?” ended in the conclusion of “Because egoism!”, because I have the need to feel good I do things that make me feel good.
- In addition there is that nice thing that happens in my subconscious mind showing bad times as good times so that I don’t feel sad about them, it is a way of – at least – my head to deal with shitty situations. My brain used to claim “You got the best out of it. You are happy the way you are so your past must have been perfect. Life has only brought you luck, otherwise you wouldn’t be in the position where you are. You would be part of the sheeple crowd running after money with not even the slightest access to your emotional self. Your – past/childhood – was – awesome!” That’s how my brain makes my past bearable.
- But then I again faced a situation where I could drop emotionally into an endless void. Feeling good, feeling kept and taken care of I could float around in the darkness, relaxing my brain. That was something very important.
- Secondly I did some heavy training, I worked off my body in the climbing club for seven hours, stressing every limb and stepping over boundaries in my head so that afterwards I wasn’t able to keep up any wall in front of my own eye, I wasn’t able to lie to me anymore because I was so terribly exhausted and had to look at myself seeing only the reality.
Well fuck you brain, no more fooling!
All summed up to a nice, fitting, homogeneous, stable picture. But there is no harmony in this world. Nothing is plain good and I should have found out much earlier that what I had created was a perfect, illusionary self of me, one that I could live with. I had chosen it because I would accept it.
Why it happened and how is still a mystery to me but at some moment it was so perfectly clear:
All I do in my life is driven by one single constant: I am terribly afraid of loosing something of value to my heart. I am paranoid to put myself into situations that could lead into constellations where I might experience loss. In that moment I would do anything possible to avoid that. I would create lies and terribly harm others emotionally just to not feel that deep pain, that disturbing, endless black pit that opens for me to drop into.
The egoistic self I had created was just to hide that fact because I am so vulnerable there. I have a big area in need of improvement.