Why shit hit the fence

I have this message stored away since several years. I have sent it to a friend during a conversation about our relationship. I am very happy to read it now and see, that I have changed a lot. That I am much closer to myself and that I have much more control and especially much more knowledge about myself and the tools that I can use to work together (!) with myself.

I know. And I was looking for some information in my head as well. And there is one thing I absolutely know now. You should not meet me anytime soon. Because I will only hurt you. And I hate myself for that. ( I am pretty drunk). But I know that inside me everything is trying to get only the best for me, and that I do not care for anyone else around. I would never say that I dont want to meet you again, but I know that I only would do it for my own good. I discovered that today. And I am sorry that I am this kind of chaotic inside

You should not expect me to be a person that you could bind with at the moment. I can give you the most enormous amount of feelings that you can get from someone, but I will cancel you in the first moment that I see fit, when I want something else. I am not someone to build upon. And in the end it would hurt me to see that I hurt you. And I would feel bad about it, because it would show me, that I made a mistake. Not because of you.

Do you see the problem?

I have a REAL problem with being egocentric. And I feel bad at the moment for talking you into considering me. I hope you can forgive me for that. And we should not forward it to tomorrow if it is about my state of mind. no hangover, rather work. I think it is best to talk about it now since I can not think clearly when I am sober.

I have only access to my emotions when my brain is occupied with something. I managed over the last 20+ years to enclose my inner self into very high walls so that whenever I have to make a decision about my emotional feelings, my basic needs of life (sex, food,..) come first.
Breaking this walls with alcohol makes my feelings available for me, so that I can see what is there for life that I really want. It makes me hurtable. It crushes my “everything is under control as long I as I say where to go” thing. It is hard to describe.

To make it more clear:
When I am drunk, I see what I want.
When I am sober, I see what my selfish ego wants.

I feel really shitty saying this, but my personality is enclosed within years of special personal emotions and feelings inside of me. To not confront me with them, to not deal with then. Because life is easier without.
It is easier to “fall in love”, “break up” if it is all just a technical thing, sth. to get you from a to b in society. It is easier if you manage to just not have feelings.

I do have feelings, but they are so far away, that I don’t even know them and I am glad (oh my god does that sound ugly) to be able to tell you that before my sober self tells you otherwise.

I know, that if not drunk, I would be able to explain everything according to my needs and that I would able to satisfy any of your expectations without even thinking about it, but I know. I know that it is my “bad” self that talks me into it to get the best for me. To get everything there is for me and I will drop you in the first moment where I want to do sth else.

You will not be able to excuse me for that, but please believe me, that I was not always aware of that and since I had a very specific talk with a friend today I managed to be able to drink so much that I could put it into words.

I became the perfect machine and only breaking the machine by drinking too much I can break it. drunk I can see it. Sober I am locked out of the place where I can see it. I optimized my self so much that I can function in this system at my best, but outside, where there is social interaction, within that field I fail to satisfy others.

Looking back I do not feel shame. I do not feel proud either. I see myself and I feel a little amused and trusting, as if I saw myself as a kid, tumbling through life with clumsy feet. I had a lot of fun and joy working with myself, I have a lot of awesome people around me that are the perfect peers to develop my relationship with myself. And I am very thankful.
I read this lines and see my struggle, I see how I wasn’t happy, how I was afraid and uncertain. I didn’t know who I wanted to be and I wasn’t even sure who I was that time. Not a good start to get somewhere. Not, if you want to make yourself and other people feel good.

If you ever feel not self-conscious enough, if you have a general feeling of low self worth, if you think, that in you past, you have not really been the person that you would want to be in the future: Try all you can and get maybe even professional help. You can change yourself. You are not written in stone. You are human and you are a product of an ever-changing biology and so is your mind.
Don’t stop to work with yourself, destroy the things you don’t want to be and create that happy being that you need to be.

Because life is awesome, when you are happy.

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Ich erwarte meinen Tod, aber ich erhoffe ihn nicht

Unser soziales Leben ist ja sehr kompliziert. Hier ein kleines Tool, um das Leben leichter zu machen, ein Auszug aus einem Chatverlauf bezüglich dem Unterschied von Erwartungen und Hoffnungen. Der Anstoss war die Frage “hab noch über einiges nachgedacht, worüber wir geredet haben und wollte dich fragen: wie hast du das nochmal beschrieben mit dem unterschied zwischen hoffnungen und erwartungen?”

Also zu den Erwatungen. Mal das Wort zerlegen… Erwartung. Erwarten. Etwas Erwarten. Warten. Beschreibt für mich beim Lesen den Zeitraum, wo ich auf etwas warte, und zwar auf etwas, von dem ich weiß, dass es passiert, sonst könnt ich nicht darauf warten. Während ich also auf “etwas” warte, dass noch nicht passiert ist, von dem ich weiß, dass es kommt, dann erwarte ich dieses “etwas”.
Ich erwarte zu sterben. Gutes Beispiel 🙂
Ich erwarte, Hungrig zu werden, wenn ich nichts esse.
Ich erwarte eine Entschuldigung.
Ich erwarte, dass Menschen ihre Versprechen einhalten. (Da könnt ma jetzt lang drüber nachdenken, warum für sowas wichtiges wie ein “Versprechen” das selbe Wort verwendet wird, wie wenn ich beim Sprechen einen Fehler mache :D)

Ich hoffe, dass du mir bis jetzt folgen kannst. Ich erwarte es nicht (Tolle Aussage, wenn du sie außerhalb von dem Kontext des Wortes “erwarten” liest den ich hier verwende, es klingt dann schnell negativ :P). Sondern ich gehe davon aus. Ich treffe es als eine Annahme. Das wäre dann das “von etwas ausgehen”. Da ist der Bezug zur Subjektivität schon gegeben, “ICH gehe von etwas aus” – sprich, ich weiß nicht, ob es der Realität entspricht.

Aber die Hoffnungen. Da waren wir ja eigentlich. Ich hoffe, dass wir uns bald wieder sehen. Wenni ch mir das Wort so anschaue, kann ich nicht erkennen, warum es da ist. Wer ist “Hoff”, und warum “hoffen” wir?
Für mich ist es ein bisschen wie Glücksspiel. Das mach ich zwar nicht, weil ich nicht dumm bin (Ich ERWARTE nämlich, statistisch gesehen zu verlieren, weil das Casino eine höhere Gewinnchance hat), aber viele machen das. Ach… schlechtes Beispiel…
hmm…

Ganz anderer Zugang: Wenn ich etwas von dir erwarte, dann ist es in deiner Verantwortung, diese Erwartung zu erfüllen. Wenn ich etwas von dir erhoffe, dann gibt es keine Instanz die Schuld ist, wenn die Hoffnung nicht erfüllt wird.
Eine “falsche Erwartung” ist dann wohl, wenn ich etwas erwarte worüber wir nie Kommuniziert haben, so dass du meine Erwartungshaltung nicht sehen kannst und auch alle Schuld von dir weist, wenn die Erwartung nicht erfüllt wird. Wenn ich dir die Schuld trotzdem gebe, dann bin ich dumm.

Erwartungen haben ihre Berechtigung. Aber noch vielmehr, sie haben mit 2 Menschen zu tun, und nur wenn diese beiden Menschen über diese Erwartung Bescheid wissen, ist sie akzeptabel. Wenn wir uns um 16:40 treffen und wir beide erwarten, dass wir pünktlich sind weil sonst hätten wir uns ja nicht einen Termin ausgemacht, dann ist es völlig legitim, grantig zu sein, weil eine/r von uns den Termin verplant und sich verspätet. Aber es ist nicht legitim, dem/r anderen böse zu sein, weils net zum Schmusen gekommen ist. Denn das war ja auch nicht zu “erwarten” 🙂 Das konnten wir zwar hoffen, aber mehr auch nicht. Wir können schon betrübt darüber sein, dass das nicht der Fall war, aber wir können dies nicht auf die/den jeweilige/n andere/n projezieren 🙂

Das war eine – ehrlich – rein fiktive Verwendung unseres letzten Treffen. Ich bin viel zu schamhaft, um über meine Hoffnungen zu sprechen 😉

Der Herr der Manie

Und ich gehe dahin mit Freude. Wie ich glücklich noch ein letztes mal das Geschirr abwasche. Sauber? Nein, es ist nur das Reinigen, das auch den letzten Dreck aus meiner Seele kämmt.
Ich ziehe dahin, vondannen, weg, und ich kehre nicht wieder. Denn ich bin auf dem Weg der Unsterblichen. Hier gehe ich alleine, und ihr werdet nicht Teil sein von diesem Weg, ihr werdet auf eurem eigenen Wege gehen. Ich bin nicht mehr, und ich will auch nicht mehr sein. Continue reading “Der Herr der Manie”

Hunt and Gather!

PROLOG

I recently stumbled upon an interesting article about hunter and gatherer societies. The conclusion states: “Judging from historical accounts of hunter-gatherers, for most of the time humans have been on the planet we have lived in relative harmony with the natural world and with each other. Our minds and cultures evolved under these conditions.”. Also, we can read: “Hunter-gatherers and other indigenous people still exist and still offer alternatives to the possessive individualism of world capitalism.” and “[…]many indigenous people are maintaining, even expanding, alternatives to economic man (Lee 1993, Sahlins 1993). These alternatives may one day lead us to a new, environmentally sustainable, and socially just economy.”.

What I in general learned from from the article is that we are hunters and gatherers. That is how we evolved, that is how we were formed. Deep inside we are still natural creatures in search for a good life, either for all of us, for some of us (tribe) or at least for us as individuals (are we?).

Why not behave like one? Continue reading “Hunt and Gather!”

Digging deeper – from egoism to fear of loss

For some time now I was shoveling dirt off my inside to find the core to my motivations. I piled up quite a mountain, I could build myself a hobbit house inside, but what I was looking for was in another place. Working on my personality had revealed things that I had imagined before I found them but was never sure about them.

Now since the world is turning, time is passing and I am changing it also happens that chance put me in the right place at the right time to get to know a very specific person that opened parts in my inside on which my shovel had always been bursting before. When I was digging there it always seamed as if I was at the core, as if I had found it, but in fact I was just unable to get deeper. The person I met just had to put a hand on my cheek and the diamond like structure inside myself unfolded by the sheer power of me melting away.

Since there are many parts connected, the revelation happened in several steps, I will try to approach each of them and conclude about them later.

  • Basic part of the situation was me dealing with myself. In the recent sessions of talking to my self I always had this idea of “fuck it I’m egoist and that’s fine”. Doing whatever I do for my own good feeling even if it was supporting others, fulfilling my desires to be happy and to not be grumpy whilst changing the world and the people around me. Any reasoning on “Why?” ended in the conclusion of “Because egoism!”, because I have the need to feel good I do things that make me feel good.
  • In addition there is that nice thing that happens in my subconscious mind showing bad times as good times so that I don’t feel sad about them, it is a way of – at least – my head to deal with shitty situations. My brain used to claim “You got the best out of it. You are happy the way you are so your past must have been perfect. Life has only brought you luck, otherwise you wouldn’t be in the position where you are. You would be part of the sheeple crowd running after money with not even the slightest access to your emotional self. Your – past/childhood – was – awesome!” That’s how my brain makes my past bearable.
  • But then I again faced a situation where I could drop emotionally into an endless void. Feeling good, feeling kept and taken care of I could float around in the darkness, relaxing my brain. That was something very important.
  • Secondly I did some heavy training, I worked off my body in the climbing club for seven hours, stressing every limb and stepping over boundaries in my head so that afterwards I wasn’t able to keep up any wall in front of my own eye, I wasn’t able to lie to me anymore because I was so terribly exhausted and had to look at myself seeing only the reality.

Well fuck you brain, no more fooling!

All summed up to a nice, fitting, homogeneous, stable picture. But there is no harmony in this world. Nothing is plain good and I should have found out much earlier that what I had created was a perfect, illusionary self of me, one that I could live with. I had chosen it because I would accept it.

Why it happened and how is still a mystery to me but at some moment it was so perfectly clear:

All I do in my life is driven by one single constant: I am terribly afraid of loosing something of value to my heart. I am paranoid to put myself into situations that could lead into constellations where I might experience loss. In that moment I would do anything possible to avoid that. I would create lies and terribly harm others emotionally just to not feel that deep pain, that disturbing, endless black pit that opens for me to drop into.

The egoistic self I had created was just to hide that fact because I am so vulnerable there. I have a big area in need of improvement.

Taming the Creature

Inspired by this great text – please read it! I lied in bed yesterday and felt the urge to write something, to continue my psychological session with myself. German version below.

Why do we do what we do? How do we react emotionally thinking about NOT doing something we do? That will show us why we don’t NOT do things.

I like to do sports. It feels good. But what is that “it”? Sometimes when I exercise I get a very good feeling. An unreasonable, good mood, joy, even high spirit. That feels nice. For a short time. An hour later it’s gone. And I find it interesting that that feeling has never before been the main or even any motivation to do sports. So I cancle this as the reason, as the answer to that “Why?” Even if subconscious links promote doing sports to me because of that feeling. Continue reading “Taming the Creature”

A glimpse into

There is a place that has no space and doesn’t rest on shoulders.
It’s in my head and I’m afraid it’s somewhere behind all the dusty folders.
The folder covered shelf that I see in myself surrounding something else
is heavy and its dark, similar to bark and only when you rip it apart
you are able to see what it means “to be”,
it’s where you find, like in the core of a tree,
answers to the questions about your mental health.

I learned an interesting lesson.

Thinking about myself brought me to a point of reflection. Speaking metaphorical it must have been several reflections within the mirrors that I had set up to see – or look for – myself, that, of course by chance, gave me a little insight into the “core” of myself. It is not a round shaped, small core. It is more like the wave that lies under all the present thoughts, under the noise of water-like memories that float through my brain-ocean.

I can say for sure that I disliked what I saw there. But it’s not about the content, why I am writing now. I want to say something about the method.
I suppose it is safe to say that we all have little pockets inside of ourselfs where we hide dirty parts of our personality. The society that we live in forbids you a lot of things that your subconscious mind wants to do,  also our society wants you to do things that your subconscious mind forbids you to do. It’s those corners where we do not want to look at. We know they are there. At least I know I have them. And for me it was time to take a little closer look. Because the “things” in those corners accumulated, they grew bigger. They started to block my smooth self-accepted Wifi signal. The wave of the background, the core. They were in it.

And I hate to have a bad reception. This time it was killing a lot of processes inside of me and several of those that were connecting me to the “otherworld”, the outside of my brain. You.

Now what happened?

Inside, inside, deep down inside
hiding, shady, gliding aside
a creature rests, terribly starving
needs more and more and more and more and more.
Outside, outside, is where it is heading
for food and water and comfy bedding,
It will get out in the end no matter what you do
but yours is the decision on how it gets through.
For the sake of us all I ask you to pet it
and I promise you this: you will not regret it.

In those moments of thinking and reflecting I figured: “Hey! You have to do something. Now!” and I started to work on a way to deal with the parts of myself that I don’t like [1]. The more ideological thinking I was the harder it was for me to even see those parts in me, not even talking about the impossibility to deal with it. It is good that the hammer of the godess of chance flew by and smashed several ideological concepts inside me.

And then the reflection within the mirror maze turned up, it was the escape of the trapped creature, the one luring in the shadow. And I gave it the parts of the broken ideologies to eat and I gave it a lot of alcohol to drink and bedded it beside my feet. I accepted it as a part of myself.

Now, it is time to tame it. And to educate it. I have a new quest, a task. It is time to deal with shit.

Stillstand bringt den Zinns


[1] I figured that since I have wraped myself into ideologies over the past years I had an even harder time to get this straight. An Example: I blame myself for being very sexist. At the moment I do not feel sorry for that. It is just there and I have to learn how to deal with it. I believe it is because I was always dealing with the subject like “All men are sexist” and “I am no man”. Because when I figured that I am male, and that I have to fucking deal with that, I realized that I had conditioned myself to be sexist. Please do not make a mistake like that. – Any critique or correction of logic is appreciated in the comment section.

To have or not to have

You have lost yourself, Noah. You gave yourself away.
There is no place like home. Where ever you go, you arrange.
Because there is no place where you can’t fit into. Because you have no form. Because you have lost yourself.
Who do you want to be? Who are you, Noah?
Where did you go? Why did you not stay?
To be clear. To not only be, but be somebody! Where are you, Noah?

I suppose it’s fine.
I suppose it’s fine to say that.

At the moment I am thinking of the things that I have, and the things that I don’t have. With things not meaning materialistic things but rather …things. You know.

It is easy to see what the people around you have, what they do. What they become. Looking around me I see people doing their studies. I see people working. 40 hours a week. I see people working even more and some that work less. I see them going to places, I see them coming back from places. I see them enjoying and I see then talking about enjoying it. I see people getting old and I see other peoples children grow up. I see the children and how they play. How much they don’t concern their surroundings. I see people in fear. Or rather talking about being afraid. Of the unknown, of the economy, of war and of loss. In fear for a future they want to have. I see my friends and family making plans. Deciding. To get a car, to have a flat, to climb a mountain and to bathe in the sun on their free weekend.

I envy all of them. Most of the time I don’t know why.

It is also easy to see the things I don’t have. To see me failing at aquiring the things that I desire. I fail at getting a degree. I fail at getting a job that keeps me from looking for a job. I don’t feel love towards any person in a way I romaticise about. I miss the feeling of having built my own shack, my house, my garden and my water supplies. I miss the morning sun at 6am tickling my nose as I read that superb book that will give me so many thoughts, about life, the universe and everything. The moment when a bird sits chirping next to my window while I manage to enjoy not doing anything. I miss the moments where I don’t want to smoke. The moments where my brain doesn’t scream for information to be put into my head through eyes and ears. I can not recall many moments in my life where I didn’t feel the urge to check my computer for news, social interaction via your desired platform or the mixture of watching a useless movie whilst checking the strangest connections on Wikipedia. I miss peace in my life and satisfaction with my close environment.

And I know that I lack the knowledge of the things that I have.

Just thinking of the places that I have been at this year already, the people I got to know, the adventures I rode through – its amazing. Thinking back of the “old times” when I was on the road in Spain, hey it’s not even a year ago. I have travelled countless places in the last three years. I managed to do peaks in my amateur sports career. I survived through hard times, smiling. I cried with all my heart watching a theater in a language that I didn’t even speak because I was able to release all emotions. I sat smiling in many places watching people go by, showing off their struggle. I enjoyed myself from the morning to the evening with free time very aware of the fact that the bigger percentage of my reality is at work at the moment wishing to have some free time.

I see, I know what I have. But where is that satisfaction that I am craving for?

To live with the (of course “quasi”) freedom of choice, to go where I want, to do what I want, not to be bound to anything rests as a heavy package on my shoulders. I don’t have a system that I run from, I don’t have a pressure that I want to escape. No job ties me to a place and nothing but the fainting boundaries to my family and close friends keep me from throwing everything and head out into the wild. Into the wild world to find out what I am looking for, although I know that there is no such thing like that. Because I am not looking for anything. I have no quest to fullfill, no goal. Just keep on being alive. Is that all that’s to it?

With this in mind I am standing on my personal ridge.

On one side I see all the things that I have and do that others long for although they don’t satisfy me anymore, I had too much of all of that. And on the other side I see the things that others have and do that I don’t want to do because I taught myself that their way of life sucks. And the image of the ridge fits even better if I look behind and ahead of me. I have no idea where it might be going.

Climbing up to another peak?
Riding down another slope?
Swimming through another lake?
Experience another extasy?
Didn’t I do all that already?

Where did you go? Why did you not stay?

I remember myself without all of those thoughts in mind many years ago. I had not the slightest glimpse of the times that were coming and I didn’t even give the smalles shit! How come that all changed?

Where are you, Noah?