I have this message stored away since several years. I have sent it to a friend during a conversation about our relationship. I am very happy to read it now and see, that I have changed a lot. That I am much closer to myself and that I have much more control and especially much more knowledge about myself and the tools that I can use to work together (!) with myself.
I know. And I was looking for some information in my head as well. And there is one thing I absolutely know now. You should not meet me anytime soon. Because I will only hurt you. And I hate myself for that. ( I am pretty drunk). But I know that inside me everything is trying to get only the best for me, and that I do not care for anyone else around. I would never say that I dont want to meet you again, but I know that I only would do it for my own good. I discovered that today. And I am sorry that I am this kind of chaotic inside
You should not expect me to be a person that you could bind with at the moment. I can give you the most enormous amount of feelings that you can get from someone, but I will cancel you in the first moment that I see fit, when I want something else. I am not someone to build upon. And in the end it would hurt me to see that I hurt you. And I would feel bad about it, because it would show me, that I made a mistake. Not because of you.
Do you see the problem?
I have a REAL problem with being egocentric. And I feel bad at the moment for talking you into considering me. I hope you can forgive me for that. And we should not forward it to tomorrow if it is about my state of mind. no hangover, rather work. I think it is best to talk about it now since I can not think clearly when I am sober.
I have only access to my emotions when my brain is occupied with something. I managed over the last 20+ years to enclose my inner self into very high walls so that whenever I have to make a decision about my emotional feelings, my basic needs of life (sex, food,..) come first.
Breaking this walls with alcohol makes my feelings available for me, so that I can see what is there for life that I really want. It makes me hurtable. It crushes my “everything is under control as long I as I say where to go” thing. It is hard to describe.
To make it more clear:
When I am drunk, I see what I want.
When I am sober, I see what my selfish ego wants.
I feel really shitty saying this, but my personality is enclosed within years of special personal emotions and feelings inside of me. To not confront me with them, to not deal with then. Because life is easier without.
It is easier to “fall in love”, “break up” if it is all just a technical thing, sth. to get you from a to b in society. It is easier if you manage to just not have feelings.
I do have feelings, but they are so far away, that I don’t even know them and I am glad (oh my god does that sound ugly) to be able to tell you that before my sober self tells you otherwise.
I know, that if not drunk, I would be able to explain everything according to my needs and that I would able to satisfy any of your expectations without even thinking about it, but I know. I know that it is my “bad” self that talks me into it to get the best for me. To get everything there is for me and I will drop you in the first moment where I want to do sth else.
You will not be able to excuse me for that, but please believe me, that I was not always aware of that and since I had a very specific talk with a friend today I managed to be able to drink so much that I could put it into words.
I became the perfect machine and only breaking the machine by drinking too much I can break it. drunk I can see it. Sober I am locked out of the place where I can see it. I optimized my self so much that I can function in this system at my best, but outside, where there is social interaction, within that field I fail to satisfy others.
Looking back I do not feel shame. I do not feel proud either. I see myself and I feel a little amused and trusting, as if I saw myself as a kid, tumbling through life with clumsy feet. I had a lot of fun and joy working with myself, I have a lot of awesome people around me that are the perfect peers to develop my relationship with myself. And I am very thankful.
I read this lines and see my struggle, I see how I wasn’t happy, how I was afraid and uncertain. I didn’t know who I wanted to be and I wasn’t even sure who I was that time. Not a good start to get somewhere. Not, if you want to make yourself and other people feel good.
If you ever feel not self-conscious enough, if you have a general feeling of low self worth, if you think, that in you past, you have not really been the person that you would want to be in the future: Try all you can and get maybe even professional help. You can change yourself. You are not written in stone. You are human and you are a product of an ever-changing biology and so is your mind.
Don’t stop to work with yourself, destroy the things you don’t want to be and create that happy being that you need to be.
Because life is awesome, when you are happy.